re-introductions and some ramblings
I was thinking I should probably re-introduce myself to y'all after what seems like an age since posting last. And after going through what feels like a complete metamorphosis from shaving my head. But at the same time, like what would I even say?
Hi my name is Chelsea Liley and I'm a faerie, cowgirl, wannabe baddie type baby.
I mean that sums me up pretty well. But if you really genuinely wanted me to answer that question of who is Chelsea Liley, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Who am I? Who am I?! Well I am Chelsea Liley and that is all I can really say. She changes everyday. She can be rambunctiously silly, deadly serious about the world and all it's hidden meanings, or sultry and sensual and totally connected to her sexuality. Chelsea Liley changes between every person she interacts with, she changes from day to day, and chapter to chapter. I am nowhere near the person I was a year ago, or 5 years ago, yet I am still completely connected to her. The me's of the past weave themselves underneath my skin to create the version of myself that you see today. Who in 6 months time, again won't look a thing like I do today.
I guess if I'm really super honest about who I am, it's that I'm trying to be the me that existed when I was 5 years old, this happy-go-lucky ray of fucking shine. 5-year wold me that believed in fairies, could talk to animals and had a wonder and curiosity about the world that could never be satiated. A little girl with a huge heart, that was chasing laughter and love wherever she went, that skipped through fields of flowers and rolled around in the mud singing with squeals of delight. That is who I am, and who I will forever be.
Or maybe I am grandma Chelsea Liley, the one who doesn't really exist in this timeline yet, but who still exists in this moment nonetheless. Much like child-like Chelsea is always here, so is grandma Chelsea. The one with the grey hair that's been dyed into rainbows. The one sitting on the top of a hill, in a rocking chair on the patio of a cottage, with children chasing chickens, and horses quietly grazing as she elegantly takes a drag from the doobie dangling between her fingers. The grandma that gets told off by her own kids for being too sassy, for telling it like it is, and for her wildly inappropriate behaviour. Yeh that one, that's me too.
I guess that's why I had a whole lot of anxiety come up recently as well, because I was stepping into a new chapter of myself, a new part of Chelsea Liley that I haven't actually explored yet, a new version of me. A shaved head version of me. In the beginning when I first went bald it felt so easy, it felt liberating and freeing and magnificently and abstractly beautiful. It was effortless to slip into the new version of me that was bald and looked kinda crazy and exuded bad bitch feminist energy. What was hard, was when it started to grow out. When it started to get fuzzy and fluffy a few weeks in, and I realised that this was gonna be me for a while now. This new face, this new freedom, but this new vulnerability. It hit hard the first time I went out clubbing with the bald head, because for the first time I didn't have my safety blanket of my hair, I didn't know how to dress or how to make myself feel pretty. I felt raw and open and weird and gangly and awkward. I felt like something was missing, and it was! I kept going to readjust my hair or fix it, and continuously remembering it wasn't there. And so it took me a while to fully settle into this new skin, this new shaved head version of me. She brought up a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear and doubt about who I was and what I'm doing, but that's natural when you're about to experience something new, when you're stepping into a new part of yourself, one that you haven't been before. Because there is a whole heap of confidence in there too. She is the next level, the next version of me, it's like a snake shedding their skin, morphing into someone new. She needed some time to adjust, to fill out the new look, to feel comfortable and herself within it again, but now I'm here it feels so easy. It feels so normal and so natural to be that bitch with no hair, I no longer double-take as I pass the mirror, or jump at my shadow. I'm here and I'm queer and I'm ready to be this bitch, to be bald Chelsea, and to see where she takes me. She has a lot of lessons to teach, wisdom to share, taboos to break, and without my past I wouldn't have gotten here. I can't even remember what I look like with hair now but that girl is here with me too hyping me up. So is the version of me from in a few years time that has hair again, my grandma self is in the back nodding her approval, and my 5 year old little girl is holding my hand and leading the way.
Because if you're anything like me, you'll know that time is meaningless. That nothing and everything exists simultaneously. That the 'you's of the past, future and present are all always rolled into one entity that continuously playing out in this world, it is just your choice as to which one you represent in any given moment. It is your choice to know who you are so completely that you know who you are even when you change, even as you grow older, even as you talk to different people or interact in different settings, do you still know the essence underneath it all of who you are, the part of you that can never die or grow old. The part of you that will remain with you through all your phases, through every year and every moment, through every new hairstyle and every friend group, every boyfriend, every party, every year, every decade, every second. Because the 5 year-old and the 55 year old Chelsea,a and all the Chelsea's in between all exist here within me. And I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but it does to me and that's all that really matters in the end isn't it?
Because I've seriously dropped into the saying that we're all going to die anyway so u might as well fuck shit up. Because we are all going to die anyway. We have but a brief fleeting moment of a few years on this planet, this planet that has been alive for billions of years. We are but a speck of dust in this timeline and we can literally, LITERALLY, do anything we want with our time here, but most of us instead choose to work a 9-5 job we hate, get drunk on weekends, and hang out with friends and family that we don't really like. And trust me when I say I ain't about that. I'm going to go as hard as possible, explore every avenue that sparks my curiosity, love as deep as a I can and fuck even harder. There is no other way for me to do life if I'm honest, we only have a few years here so let me try absolutely everything, let me break all the stupid societal norms that we have created, the totally imaginary rules and regulations, expectations and internalised should's and shouldn'ts. They literally do not exist. You can do absolutely anything you want with your time on this earth. And you should do anything you want. Go quit that job, travel the world, start a new career, one that lights your heart up, tell that person how you feel, learn that language, take that bridging course. Do what ever it is you need to do to make you happy. That's it. THAT'S IT.
Humans have created so many stupid socially constructed systems of meaning in this world, but in doing so we removed the real meaning behind anything. We tried to create systems to make things easier, to put labels on the world, to make it appear in black and white, good and bad, right or wrong. But there is no good and bad. There is only your own meaning to your own existence so please, I beg you, make it worthwhile. You can be whoever you want, do anything you want, the world is your oyster. Humans may have done a lot of damage in this world, but we also somehow managed to create heaven on Earth. This is your permission slip, go out and actually enjoy it.