kinda did/kinda didn't
The story of how I lost my virginity.
I figured what better way to start my blog then with where it all began, the apparently all-important virginity. Your V card. Doing the deed. Doing IT. The big ol IT. Whatever you wanna call it, it usually is your first experience of sex, and for me it was the start of my journey in a way. To tell this story I’ll need to fill you in on a lot of context, but luckily this story is a pretty fun one to tell – albeit a bit embarrassing. I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend (hands down one of the sweetest humans I have ever met, but more on that at a later date) and we were head over heels in love. Well puppy love; as in love as you can be at the wise old age of 15. But looking back, even though I was young, it doesn’t diminish how serious we were, and how strong our feelings were. Cause we were madly in love, and the relationship was goddamn beautiful. He spoilt me rotten and I was completely smitten, lil 15-year old me dating the cutest boy at our brother school, I felt like the shit. And for our age we dated for a pretty long time and got pretty serious, and I’ll always have the best of memories from our time together – even if he did eventually break my heart ;). But it was what I needed at the time, and that heartbreak probably started my self-love journey more than anything else.
But back to the point!
We started dating when I was roughly 14. He was my first boyfriend so along with him came a whole lot of new rules, feelings, family changes, desires, hurt, frustrations – you name it. From the beginning my parents were super supportive and accepting of him and us. But as much as they were supportive, they were also protective. Especially my father, after all, his little baby girl just got her first boyfriend. It was a whole new set of experiences for not only me, but for my parents too. They had given me the sex talks and all that but suddenly it was no boys allowed in my room, and door always open. Now little sexual deviant me reallllllllly hated this. But at the same time I also internalised a lot of misogynist concepts because of this (lol virginity itself but w/e).
And so, during high school, I made a set of rules for myself. Steps and boundaries of where I thought I should and could go. For example: at 3 months he was allowed to finger me, at 10 months I could give him head, and only once we were dating for like 2 years, would we finally have sex. Now even just looking at this makes me laugh. Because you can’t put a timeline on what feels right. And even I didn’t stick to half of those rules and kept pushing the dates forward because, to be honest, I was fucking horny and in love. I would even bend and twist my way around the rules (MY OWN SELF IMPOSED RULES) like dry humping was allowed, and if he put it in, but we didn’t do anything else, it didn’t count as sex right? RIGHT?!? And therein lies the issue – the kinda did, kinda didn’t.
Cause technically I didn’t get that beautiful, magical first time experience that I thought it needed to be. Cause technically we just fooled around with each other and tested the limits, but he was inside me and there was definitely some grinding so that’s definitely sex. As much as I tried to convince myself it wasn’t. Even if he didn’t cum, it was still sex. And what about all the stuff we did before, all the fooling around, both of us cumming, why is there such pressure on that one kind of penetrative sex with penis inside vagina? (pls imagine me doing accompanying hand gestures). And if I’m honest with myself, I was always going to be ready early. And I was ready. I was in a beautiful, supportive, respectful relationship. So why the fuck did I not just do it? Let myself do it. Trust myself enough to do it, with the boy that I trusted and loved. We might’ve been young, but it would’ve given me that memory of my first time being with the boy I loved, rather than this weird kinda did, kinda didn’t thing I’ve got going instead. And it wouldn’t have been that mature, candle-lit, flowing sexual experience I had in my head at the time, it would’ve been fumbling and awkward (first times usually are) but it would’ve been magical in its own way. And even what we did do, was still magical to me, even if only fooling around.
But I know why I tried to wait. My parents had told me enough times that I needed to wait, and that it needed to be special. One specific Auntie had drilled it into me that she had lost it too young and regretted it. That if I had sex too young, I was slutty. But by putting that pressure on myself, I ruined every chance I had of letting it be special naturally. Instead I regretted NOT doing it. Because I hate the whole idea and meaning that society has attached to virginity. That it is something that you lose, something that is taken from you. Something that is only ever really glorified in women, fetishised even. If you’re a virgin, you’re seen as a good girl; innocent, sweet, pure, blah blah blah. It’s all just bull shit that has been created to keep women playing small, to keep them ashamed of their own sexuality, to keep them inferior to men. Yet in reality aren’t we superior? Aren’t we the beings that all men wish to enter and penetrate, don’t we therefore hold the power? Because virginity isn’t the analogy I got repetitively told growing up, of a master key opening all locks, or a shitty lock that gets opened by all keys. Virginity is just a concept created in our minds. It doesn’t really exist. I technically lost my virginity to a horse when my hymen broke while horse riding. Yknow? Sex is beautiful at all stages, whether it’s our first time or not. Whether it’s just fooling around, or there’s candles and incense and silk sheets. And if you’re ready, then you’re ready. Either way your first time is most likely going to be a little bit awkward, kinda weird, and hopefully enjoyable. But take the pressure off it. It doesn’t have to be this wholly glorified beautiful first time experience. It doesn’t have to be with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with (cause lol it most likely won’t be). Just try to find someone you trust, and that you hopefully love, that you feel like you can go through this experience with. Someone that you feel safe and comfortable with, to share this experience with, to make it the best it can be, even if it isn’t the earth-shattering, ground-breaking, body-consuming first time we get portrayed as kids. But make it fun, and make it enjoyable, because that’s all you can do. Whether you were 21 or 12, it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things. It will all eventually get blurred together, all of your sex experiences kinda rolled into one, as you start exploring sex more, become a sexual being, and realise that it is just a natural, normal part of life. It is your choice alone, when and how you start having sex, and you first time is never going to be the best. You will have so many different sex experiences to come after you’ve had your first, it’ll be like a drop of water in the ocean. So lose your virginity for YOU, when you’re ready, and when you want. Don’t let your friends, family or society tell you any differently, or let anyone pressure you into having (or not having) sex. Whether you lose it to your boyfriend, a casual partner, a girlfriend, or a vibrator (or a fkn horse) – just enjoy it. Just enjoy sex!