i smell like sex rn
And I love it.
So I decided fuck it I’m gonna write about it.
And no, not proper sex (I guess?), your girl is still happily single and not really practicing her hoe lifestyle. But I smell like self-pleasure-sex. Or wanking, or flicking the bean, or masturbating, or whatever you wanna call it IDC – we all do it. Some maybe more than others *looks away guiltily*
But the reason I wanna speak on this is because I’ve actually had a pretty tricky time in the last few months when it came to wanking. I’ve talked about it previously but it just wasn’t fulfilling me, it wasn’t feeling good and it wasn’t hitting the spot. I got into a habit where I knew what would make me cum, so within 30 seconds I could be done and dusted, and that was what I was doing every night. I would go to down on my clit, no pleasure, no tease, no warm up. My pussy wouldn’t even be wet and I’d already be finished. Side note – this also highlights that just because I am a sexologist and have studied this, doesn’t mean I’m going to get it right, psychologists and therapists and anyone working in the mental health/sexual health field needs to have their own BTS team that are there to help them through their own shit.
Back to the point though! Today, for the first time, I realised how much better I feel when I wank. I’ve gotten back into the good habits I had created. For a while there I was just horny and mopey and so I avoided it all together, or just scratched the itch for 30 seconds to help me get to sleep. Because for me, I do really need the guy there with me, I need to feel his body on me, his eyes looking at me. I need to feel his hands on my skin as they tease me, I need to feel that passion and that tension, that feeling of holy shit I want you and I want you now. I haven’t had that feeling in a looooong time. I miss it. But that’s okay cause I know I’ll find it again, when I find the right guy. Until then it’s about cultivating that feeling within me, myself.
And so today I realised how far I have come *hehe*. Because today I could smell sex in my room and you bet I breathed it in and sighed it out oh so fucking contently. Because I realised just how wet my pussy was – which was like fucking phenomenal for me because I had missed that feeling. That feeling when you slide your fingers underneath your panties and you can already feel how wet and wanting you are – mmmmm so yummy. And now I practice slowing it down, I take the time to put on the sexy tunes, to dance and smile in the mirror, to slowly undress myself and run my hands over my body, exploring where and how I want to be touched. I pull my own hair, leave scratch marks and nail bites in my own skin, I put pillows behind me and pretend there’s a man I can grind into and groan and tease. I also like being able to be as loud as I want - I forgot just how much not being able to make noise affects my mood and libido, and I definitely like to moan. But hallelujah baby she’s back! I’m enjoying my own sex time again, not moping and wishing there was someone with me, or sad because I’m single. Nah, nah fuck those feels right off – I’m single, I’m sexy and I’m loving it. And I’m learning how to love me up again, learning the ways I want to be touched, I’m practising wooing myself. After all, that is all I really want, it’s not actually about cumming, it’s about intimacy and pleasure, about feeling good (but like that really juicy gooey kinda good). Because yeh I don’t have a man right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy sex. It just means I have to work at removing that block I have, and learning to enjoy single sex, learning how to make sex fun just for me.
I guess I’m opening up about this as well cause I’m leaning the FUCK into it. Leaning into this identity that I am in right now, because I can already see how my identity is going to grow and change and shift, but I have to be here now in it, in my single-ness, the boyfriend identity, the wife identity, the mother identity, will all come when they need to but for now I am here. It also only really just sank in that that as I grow and expand, my business is going to grow and expand along with me. I know for myself, that there will be more relationships coaching, more partners and couple work, exploration of open-relating, maybe even marriage and babies and the sex education and communication that comes along with those. I can see myself working in those fields, I can physically feel it and crave it, but my physical experience needs to catch up first. I need to have the boyfriend again and the experiences that come along with that, so that I can effectively teach about it. I need to have the marriage and the kids, and the discussions with them about sex, so that I can effectively share my experiences, once I’ve had them. So where does that leave me now then, you ask?
WELL! It leaves me single and loving it and leaning the fuck into it. So okay, I don’t have the boyfriend right now, I’m not in any serious relationship or any sort of fling or thing or what have you. I am purely doing me. Literally, physically, spiritually and ofc SEXUALLY! So I’m leaning into it. You may have noticed me talking about it a lot recently, but I am young and dumb and living life as full as I can. I am being a hoe, exploring my sexuality and learning from all the mistakes and lessons that come with it. I’m letting myself be a human, I’m coming back into this 3-D world reality that we are living in, that yeh sometimes I don’t really agree with and where I can see a lot of systematic faults and ingrained issues.
This world thrives off of corruption and capitalism and has completely forgotten the true nature of what it is like to be a human, to be connected and pleasured and in joy. So I am using this world to be human, but to be the kind of human that I want to be. And right now I am that young 23 year old human, that is wanking a lot, learning about single life and how to move on from heartbreak, learning to love her body in all of its beauty and how to help other women do the same. I’m leaning into it hard baby. Let me embrace all that I am now, so that when that boyfriend does come, I’ve already had all the experiences I needed to, because I fully lived them. I was the hoe, the single girl who gave no fucks and chased no boys. The girl who had had her heartbroken but who didn’t let it destroy her, instead she grew taller, loved herself harder, and swayed those hips sexier than ever before.
I AM LEANING INTO IT. That I am young and dumb and some days have no idea what I’m doing, but I realise now that I’m not supposed to. I am leaning into the human that is here, her silliness, her wild-side, her ‘trust me I’m tough and will fight you’ stare. I’m leaning in to the fact that I created a business and have very little idea of how to run it, but that’s okay because I’m doing it. Because the people that come to work with me will know that, and will want to hear about that anyway. The people that work with me, choose to purely because they want to hear what I have to say from my perspective, from my young and dumb and 23 year old single self, my wide-eyed and still hopeful. I can’t really put it into words but I can feel it. I can feel just how much I am embodying who I am at this age. That I am taking off the shackles that have bound me to being some idea of who I should be. I am taking of the preconceived ideas, the judgements, the social expectations, and I am stepping into me. Chelsea Liley, the girl who doesn’t take life very seriously, loves herself hard, and wanks often.