dear dumb diary
that's you Cliterally. U r the dumb diary. My little dumb diary.
And I say that in the nicest way possible and with all of the love. But you are my space to me a little bit dumb, to be kooky and goofy and share my story.
Whether people read it or not it is irrelevant, it is my space to write how I feel, but I hope that in doing so, other people might find comfort and solitude in my word. That my vulnerability creates some sort of connection. Even if just to myself as I read it, or yourself as you read it.
I recognise that I have a pretty unique view on life, my experiences and (over)analysations of my life, and my literal career choice of sexology leaves me in a pretty fortunate position. I am blessed and I am privileged to do the work that I do, to follow my passions and my drive for love and lust and all things lovely. But all of that also comes with a whole heap of discovering everything there is about myself, a constant journey. We all have more and more experiences which continue to shape us, and mean that this discovery isn't linear. It is a constant unfolding.
For me, that has come with a lot of anxieties, of learning how to be alone in the world, how to lose partners and friends and people, and to stand there and say 'ok but this is who I am' take it or leave it. To learn to be strong enough in that. To learn the intricate way my own brain works, the undiagnosed diagnoses that I may or may not have, the development of anxiety, my own mental health and how it feels to be an anxious extrovert. Everything that comes with being me. Big ol' sexual ol' me. Cause I am aware that I am a lot. And I no longer view that as a bad thing but a fucking great thing. Because sexology fucking requires that. Because becoming a sex therapist has meant breaking down a lot of different stereotypes and expectations and taboo beliefs just inherently. It meant stepping bigger, stepping brighter. Everyday. I battle family every time I'm with them, because they don't ask me how my work is going, they look down on me for not shaving my legs, they call me a whore and label me a tramp. My own family. I have friends call me a slut and bitch about me behind my back. I have had friends leave because I am too much, or try to bring me down because I admit, it is hard to stand next to me as my friend when I shine so bright. And all of that is so okay too.
Because I stick by this. By myself. Because sex and sexuality is what I want to study and how I want to help people. And yes that means fighting back against a lot of the system on an everyday basis, it means dealing with judgements and comments and boys on tinder whose instant response is 'aw u study sex do u 🤔', or it's the opposite and they run in the other direction cause they realise you know more about fucking than they do and they get scared.
It's a lot to live with it really is. Let alone then adding all the more serious darker sides of sexuality, the trauma, sexual assault, and homosexuality that exists. I am fortunate enough that I have not experienced much that has tainted my view on sexuality. But I am here for those who have. My own experiences have been around break ups, and feeling intense and traumatic emotions. It has always been about emotions for me. How to handle them, how to not have too much of them, then how to learn to be okay with the fact that I have a lot of them, how to understand them and work with them. Cause emotions are fab. Emotions are magic. We can feel this thing, that effects our whole body and mind - like woah. What a fucking trip this world is.
But what that means for this diary, is that for the few years it has been around, it was used as my exploration into my self. It documented the process of me becoming a sexologist, of learning and re-learning, of understanding what it is that makes us tick, and what made me tick most of all. And so this diary up until now has had a lot of internal conceptualisations, a lot of exploring what it means to be and how to navigate that, how to express that. It has talked about past break ups that catapulted me into this world and into myself again. About how I was obsessed with this idea of love and romance and what it all meant. And I have loved that and this process. This life that I have lived. From birth to the age of 10, watching fairytales and wanting part of that magic, to 10-16, wanting to explore my own sexuality, from reading twilight and getting my first taste of what it felt like to be horny, and wanting more. From 16-21 and getting my first taste of relationships, of falling in and out of love and exploring what sex can feel like with a partner, and what it can feel like when you're having one of your slut phases in between the relationships. And having heartbreak rock you to your core. And from 21 and learning how to be single. Purely single and solo. And really only since I was 22/23 did I really live that life. Lost all of the people who had meant the most to me, had drastic changes in my own family dynamics, moved house and dedicated myself to my masters and my career, to sexology, my sexuality. My goddamn fucking life. Curating and creating it. No one else to care about. Nothing but my own self and sexuality. My career and my life, my ambitions my goals. I didn't have time or space for any other characters within this cut. I had to create all of this first. Set myself up first. No one to bring me down or cloud my judgement, cause I just didn't have to think about anyone else's life being entwined with mine, other than my horse, my close gals, and my mom and dad. My whole life came first, my main character energy. Me, me, me, me. I'm about it.
And I feel like I have done a lot of talking about all of that stuff, about my life, and trying to prove to everyone who read it, what it all means. But I'm kinda done explaining it too. Y'all (hopefully) know who I am and what I am about by now. That I talk about sex a lot and that's kinda just how it is. And I'm excited to be back and writing. That break, for over a year - wow, was what I needed for a time. I needed that to really settle in again. I had written about as much as I could, and had explored and adventured into a lot of my psyche and sexuality. And there was nothing left to write about. Or if there was, I was too scared to actually put pen to paper. And so I had a break. I stopped. I let myself have the experiences again, took the pressure off myself to make money or write words or to actually do anything really. I just studied and I lived. And now. Oh my god, now do I have some stories to tell you. Now I have stepped into the role of sexologist, I have got the job and I'm leaning into what all that means for me. Now I fucking KNOW that I know my shit and I want to share all that I know/ Share all of my knowledge and all that I believe, and feel and learn. I am writing about myself in a whole other way. No longer about the anxieties of becoming a sexologist, the imposter syndrome and self doubt, but instead writing all the stories that I was too scared to write before. The self understandings and critiques of the way this world works. Especially in regards to the more sexually inclined behaviours.
I took a break so that I could become the main character again. I think I had lost that for a while trying to please everyone and trying too hard to make it. I forgot to just be and be me. And so I don't want this blog to be much more of that anymore, no more self-doubt and dwindlings, no more ranting and rambling about what it all means - but probably still a few lyrical musings here and there because that's just who I am as a person. No more bitching and moaning about the fact that I don't have a partner (yet 😉) and more into my exploring sex. Cause sex is fucking groovy.
So this is my blog, about my life. I am the main character and I am going to write about it all and I'm excited to share it. To see how it feels to re-live it. To dive deep in it. No longer scared of what people will say once they read it, just happy to be writing about it again. So welcome to Cliterally 2.0. With Chelsea Liley - your certified sexologist, and pleasure pursuer of life + educator on all things pleasurable. I write about sex a lot, about my own pursuits of pleasure, and how that helps me understand the world. But I also write about what all of this life means, and will try to educate and write in a way that can maybe help you navigate this world a little easier, help to teach you how to pursue the pleasure in your own life. It's a diary into my own life as a sexologist, so take a seat and enjoy the view. I think it is quite pretty, if I do say so myself.